The Second First....

As my second "first" comes to a close, I'm still remembering the many Thanksgiving holidays that my husband & I shared over the course of our 25 year relationship. They're all so vivid in my mind. He would start asking about where we were going for Thanksgiving in September. "Honey, where are we going to eat for Thanksgiving this year? Your mom's or what?" I would politely remind him that it was only September. "So?", he would say. I would laugh.

This year, there was no question in September about Thanksgiving plans. I missed hearing it. I missed packing him into the car for the 44 mile trip to my moms that we had made so many times over the years. She missed buying the sweet potato pie that he always asked for. That was his only request of her. The one time of year where he wasn't chastened for what he ate. A diabetic should always pay attention to what they eat but during this day, I let him slide. It was one of the few enjoyments left for him. That's why he started to ask about it in September. That & he finally realized that holidays were for family. So he tried to make up for the many times that he "volunteered" to work on a holiday. He liked feeling like he was a part of something bigger than himself.

Today, I had my moments. Quite a few of them actually. Cried in the bed before getting up for the day. Cried while I was making up the bed a little later. Cried when I visited the cemetery. Some of the family (his family that is) called me today to see how things were going. "Crappy", I said. One asked me if I had been having a good day thus far. "No" I said while my daughter said yeah. So many memories, so many emotions, so many missed opportunities. I shouldn't cry over spilled milk I suppose. But I miss him. I'm going to miss him for a long time to come.

But I got through the day. Tears and all. But I'm still here. Like 1 of my sister-in-law's told me earlier today, "I loved my brother dearly but you're still here and you have to keep on living." Yes. I do but I don't have to be so doggoned cheery all of the time and when my day is crappy, I'm gonna say so. I have to live this hell on earth and if I have a crappy day once in a while so be it.

Thanks John. Thanks for the memories. Thanks for the moments.

I miss him. John, my eating machine.