"Doin' Me..."

I've heard this phrase hundreds (or what seems like hundreds)of times over the past 8 months. "It's time for you to do you.", "You just have to do you now.", "You are just gonna have to learn to do you." and my personal favorite, "Girl, it's time to do you and keep it moving!".

I listened and didn't listen at the same time. Every time someone would say that, I would think to myself, "well who is that?", or "how do you do that?", or "who am I and what do I do?". I don't know who I am anymore. It's been so long since it was just me, I can't remember who 'me' is. I went from being me, a 18y/o, graduating senior to Uncle Sam's sailor to John's "old lady" (I hated that label), to Nicole's mom to Derrick's mom to John's wife to grieving mom to John's caretaker to John's widow (hate this one too). Where am I in all of that? I don't see my name listed anywhere. I know I'm there somewhere in that big pile of love, pain, laughter, tears and happiness that is my life. But for the life of me I can't find me. I don't like being a widow. I don't like being the surviving mother of a child lost to violence. Unfortunately, those 2 labels I can't escape.

I know I'm a child of God. I know that's the ultimate label. But how do I incorporate me in to everything else? When folks ask me to go places, I find myself hesitating because I feel I should be doing something more purposeful. But how do you do you when you don't know who you are?

I didn't think I was defined by my husband. And on some level, I wasn't. But he had always been here for me, with me and beside me. Part of me is gone. So how can I do me if part of me isn't here? I feel selfish sometimes. Guilty, even. I do know that these feelings will pass with time. But I still have to figure out how to do me after spending over half of my life doing others first. A monumental task for a natural born caretaker.

I miss him. John, the part of me that I knew.