I fulfilled a lifelong dream last night. It had been a dream of mine since I was a child growing up in good ol' Sedley, VA, a la' boondocks, USA. Last night, it was fulfilled.
I was in "da house" with none other than Steveland Morris, a.k.a. Stevie Wonder! I've always been a fan of Stevie's ever since I can remember. Loved his music every since I was about 10 y/o. I remember buying those '45's and playing them over and over on the old record player in our bedroom, dancing without cause and singing into the mirror with that hairbrush as a microphone. Songs like, "Living for the City", Signed, Sealed, Delivered", "You Haven't Done Nothin'", "Sir Duke", "Boogie on Reggae Woman", "Happy Birthday", "Hotter Than July", the list goes on and on. In the 11th grade, I wrote a report on Stevie Wonder for my black history project and I got a record player from the audio/visual folks at the library and played several of those '45's to the class as I read about my hero and favorite performer. I got an "A" on that report and the class got to dance a little. Thinking of seeing him in concert back then was nothing more than a pipe dream. Never thought I'd have the opportunity to witness greatness first hand.
What does this have to do with my husband you ask? It's a round-about thing. I had told my husband for many years if Stevie ever got even remotely close to VA, we're going. No matter the cost, no matter the venue, no matter what obstacles we have to overcome. We're going!
We both had people we wanted to see in person. He wanted to see Tina Turner. We did that about 7-8 years or so ago. He also wanted to see James Brown "just 1 more time before I die" he would say. We did that too. About 3 or so years ago. I wanted to see only 2 people that I'd never seen or ever thought I would see. Michael Jackson and Stevie Wonder. We never thought these 2 icons would even get close to this area of the world. Where would they play? Was there even anything around that could hold the amount of people that would buy tickets for them? We didn't think so. We waited and waited. We waited some more. John got sick and then John got sicker and then John passed away. And just a mere 3 months after his death, one of my dream performers shows up. I just had to go. I would have never forgiven myself if I hadn't and I think John would have wanted me to go. So I bought the ticket. A single ticket, a floor seat, 6 rows from the stage. I could have reached out and touched the very braids on his head, practically.
I could hardly wait for October 25th to get here. I was so excited. As I stepped through the door and handed my ticket to the lady, I thought I would burst. She says, "Are you seeing the show by yourself this evening?" "Yes", I say. "I am." "Oh, enjoy the show then!", she says. I stepped through the turnstile and it hit me. I'm seeing this show alone. My dream performer concert was supposed to be something that I shared with my husband just like the 2 of his dream concerts that we attended. I walked to my seat. I sat. Alone. No one to chat with while the stage was being readied. No one to share the laughter with. No one to talk endlessly about what a great show it was when it was over. No one to share this moment with.
Stevie was great. He hasn't lost a step. He looked good and sounded even better. He is the consummate professional. Full of life, love and energy. He belted out song after song and I sang right along with him. I sweated, danced and sang myself to exhaustion. Hardly believing that this was all real. When it was over, I had my single ticket and a car in the garage. Headed back home with the silence of an empty passenger seat. It was deafening.
John would have loved the show. He would have talked for hours about how great it all was. He would have told everyone that he saw in the coming days how fantastic it was and how much we enjoyed it. He was there in spirit I know and in a picture which I lovingly placed in my purse before leaving home, determined that he would go with me somehow. I looked up into the hot lights above the stage and blew him a kiss because I knew my John wouldn't let me have all this fun alone. I'm sure he was there, next to me as I danced and sang. And when the lights came on and the crowds pushed out, I trudged home. Feeling good and bad at the same time. The first concert I had attended alone in 25 years and it was one of the best I'd ever seen. But it would have been even better had my John been by my side, bobbing his head and clapping his hands to the beat.
I miss him. John, my date for the night.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
As If I Needed Another Reminder
As my journey to healing continues, I find that each day brings a different reminder of my loss. I know I don't need to be reminded of just what I lost on that July morning but it seems that God takes an opportunity every now and then to remind me of the multitude of things that my husband filled my life with while he was here.
John fancied himself an auto mechanic. He was actually pretty good at it and he loved it. One of the many things that he lost after his illness rendered him disabled. You could see the hurt in his eyes when the car malfunctioned and he not be able to get out there underneath it and search for it's problem. I supposed it presented a unique challenge to him each time. He voiced so many times in the early days of the onset of his illness that he could still fix the car. But even he had to give honor to the illness as it stripped his favorite past time from his grip. He often told me, "honey, I can go out there and tell you what to do and you can do it for me!" I always said, "well if you think I can do it then I'd be willing to try." We never tried it but at least he knew that I would try if he ever really got out there.
Over the years since the illness struck, I often consulted him whenever the car made a strange noise or didn't quite run like it should and he almost always knew what the problem was without even looking at it. But as the illness planted itself into his body, he started to "forget" those things that had lived within his mechanic mind for so long. It was painful to see him lose his first love. Yes. Cars were his first love. A love myself or the kids could never compete with on any level. Very seldom did the car take a back seat to me. (Pardon the pun..lol). I was okay with that for the most part but I did rag on him every now and then about it. I remember asking him once, "what does that car do for you that I don't?" He said with the most serious face, "it doesn't talk back and with enough attention it will do what I want it to do." To which I promptly said, "yeah but I bet it can't make love to you like I do." He looked at me and smiled and said, "touche', you got me on that one honey." We both laughed at that one.
I took his car (the car is still in his name btw) to the shop 2 days ago. It has been neglected because of a few more important things that I've been dealing with (care to guess what..yes..that's the ticket). Of course, if he were here he wouldn't want to hear that. Nothing was more important to Mr. Freeman than the car and it's upkeep. As I turned the keys over to the mechanic and waited for the dollar signs to multiply before my eyes, I felt a sense of sadness deep down in my "john-missing" soul. I almost felt like I was betraying him with another man. I know what he'd be saying. "You're gonna let another man get under your hood?" "Neva" I would say. "That's what I'm talking about gal. You know better." But with his death came another reminder. I no longer have a built in mechanic. I no longer have the luxury of calling him if I get stranded on the side of the road (which didn't happen very often btw). I now have to pay a mechanic just like everyone else in the free world. It's something that I didn't think of very often. How valuable that skill was to our wallets and cars and livelihood. Another skill of his that I took for granted. I did learn from him though. Thanks to him I can properly change a tire, change the spark plugs, change the oil and few other things. He always took the time to show me and he loved that I took an interest in the one thing that made him happy beyond belief. He once told me that I was the only "girlfriend" he'd ever had that remotely showed any interest in his favorite hobby. I liked it because he liked it. And if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
Back to cheating on him with another mechanic. It's going to cost a small fortune to fix this vehicle but I think it's worth it. And if he were still here the price of the work that they're asking would certainly kill him. He was thrifty in all things except when he was rebuilding his car. We indulged him on that. It kept him home. It kept him happy and out of trouble was how he justified the hours he spent in the driveway working on that old piece of car that he'd talked someone into practically giving to him. The 1971 Maverick. The last car he owned and worked on before he fell ill. He gave it to his brother not long after he came home from the nursing home in 2003. He knew his mechanic days were over. He tried to live them through his son and myself. But then, Derrick was gone and he was sicker and I was tired. He yearned to get grease on his hands for many months afterwards. But in the end accepted that those days were well behind him. I felt bad for him. Another loss. Another step in the wrong direction.
So as I left his vehicle in the hands of a stranger, I heard his voice in my head. "They're going to charge you way too much for that work and if I were there, we could get it done for less than half of what they want. It would be easy. We could do it. Go to the junkyard and pick up those parts and get in that driveway with the piece of cardboard box on the ground underneath you so you don't have to lay on the cold concrete. C'mon honey, hand me that wrench."
I miss him. John, the auto mechanic.
John fancied himself an auto mechanic. He was actually pretty good at it and he loved it. One of the many things that he lost after his illness rendered him disabled. You could see the hurt in his eyes when the car malfunctioned and he not be able to get out there underneath it and search for it's problem. I supposed it presented a unique challenge to him each time. He voiced so many times in the early days of the onset of his illness that he could still fix the car. But even he had to give honor to the illness as it stripped his favorite past time from his grip. He often told me, "honey, I can go out there and tell you what to do and you can do it for me!" I always said, "well if you think I can do it then I'd be willing to try." We never tried it but at least he knew that I would try if he ever really got out there.
Over the years since the illness struck, I often consulted him whenever the car made a strange noise or didn't quite run like it should and he almost always knew what the problem was without even looking at it. But as the illness planted itself into his body, he started to "forget" those things that had lived within his mechanic mind for so long. It was painful to see him lose his first love. Yes. Cars were his first love. A love myself or the kids could never compete with on any level. Very seldom did the car take a back seat to me. (Pardon the pun..lol). I was okay with that for the most part but I did rag on him every now and then about it. I remember asking him once, "what does that car do for you that I don't?" He said with the most serious face, "it doesn't talk back and with enough attention it will do what I want it to do." To which I promptly said, "yeah but I bet it can't make love to you like I do." He looked at me and smiled and said, "touche', you got me on that one honey." We both laughed at that one.
I took his car (the car is still in his name btw) to the shop 2 days ago. It has been neglected because of a few more important things that I've been dealing with (care to guess what..yes..that's the ticket). Of course, if he were here he wouldn't want to hear that. Nothing was more important to Mr. Freeman than the car and it's upkeep. As I turned the keys over to the mechanic and waited for the dollar signs to multiply before my eyes, I felt a sense of sadness deep down in my "john-missing" soul. I almost felt like I was betraying him with another man. I know what he'd be saying. "You're gonna let another man get under your hood?" "Neva" I would say. "That's what I'm talking about gal. You know better." But with his death came another reminder. I no longer have a built in mechanic. I no longer have the luxury of calling him if I get stranded on the side of the road (which didn't happen very often btw). I now have to pay a mechanic just like everyone else in the free world. It's something that I didn't think of very often. How valuable that skill was to our wallets and cars and livelihood. Another skill of his that I took for granted. I did learn from him though. Thanks to him I can properly change a tire, change the spark plugs, change the oil and few other things. He always took the time to show me and he loved that I took an interest in the one thing that made him happy beyond belief. He once told me that I was the only "girlfriend" he'd ever had that remotely showed any interest in his favorite hobby. I liked it because he liked it. And if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
Back to cheating on him with another mechanic. It's going to cost a small fortune to fix this vehicle but I think it's worth it. And if he were still here the price of the work that they're asking would certainly kill him. He was thrifty in all things except when he was rebuilding his car. We indulged him on that. It kept him home. It kept him happy and out of trouble was how he justified the hours he spent in the driveway working on that old piece of car that he'd talked someone into practically giving to him. The 1971 Maverick. The last car he owned and worked on before he fell ill. He gave it to his brother not long after he came home from the nursing home in 2003. He knew his mechanic days were over. He tried to live them through his son and myself. But then, Derrick was gone and he was sicker and I was tired. He yearned to get grease on his hands for many months afterwards. But in the end accepted that those days were well behind him. I felt bad for him. Another loss. Another step in the wrong direction.
So as I left his vehicle in the hands of a stranger, I heard his voice in my head. "They're going to charge you way too much for that work and if I were there, we could get it done for less than half of what they want. It would be easy. We could do it. Go to the junkyard and pick up those parts and get in that driveway with the piece of cardboard box on the ground underneath you so you don't have to lay on the cold concrete. C'mon honey, hand me that wrench."
I miss him. John, the auto mechanic.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Have Family....Will Travel
Whew! Just got back from a nice little jaunt down south. It was a nice distraction from my endless days and nights that are my weekends now.
I went with the same 2 family members that I not too long ago, went to lunch with in Wakefield, VA. Yes. I ventured even further with them this time. My sis-in-law, Inetta, fancies herself an actress. She's actually quite good if the truth be told. She's been a part of this small ensemble, known as "Charlie T Productions", for about 3 years or so (I'm really guessing at that number). "Charlie T" is a ministry. They play small venues and grace their audiences with "in your face" gospel plays. Their want is your salvation. A unique way of getting out of the pews and reaching the lost.
We traveled to Oxford, NC for this particular production. Inetta asked me about 3 weeks ago if I would be interested in coming with her. I said sure, why not? It's a distraction from my humdrum existance and it's different and I've never been to Oxford so it should be interesting to say the least. I then find out that 1 of my nieces is also coming. This pair of folks will keep you in stitches. They compliment each other quite nicely. Her yin to her yang if you will. That makes for an often hilarious encounter. This one is no different.
Oxford, for lack of a better word, is a hick town. For anyone whose remotely familiar with NC, Oxford is about 10-12 miles south of Henderson, NC. It lies between Henderson and Durham, NC. A one horse town indeed. It actually reminds me of the small town where I grew up. Quaint, quiet and Norman Rockwell-esque. As it turns out, one of the cast members is from there which explains why we must travel the 2.5 hours to this town that time has forgotten for the most part to see a play. Life is slow there. The people are laid back. There are no sirens wailing in the middle of the night.
We left the big city at 0700 Saturday. We entered Oxford at 10:15am. We did stop in Emporia, VA for gas and sustenance. The trip there was uneventful. We didn't get lost. We saw miles and miles of trees and fields. My sis-in-law enthralled by the "quaintness" of the country life. I'd give her about 30 days to get thoroughly sick of it if she ever tried to live there. My husband could never get over the fact that there were no streetlights lining the streets in these small places. It's indeed a different way of life.
So, here we are. 3 city mice venturing into the country for an overnight stay. We all agreed that Oxford was a nice place to visit. Inetta, perhaps, would try to live there someday but not today.
It was dreary and rainy in the big city upon our exit. The clouds broke some as we got closer and the sun peeked out several times during our driving time. Spirits were high and we endlessly chatted our way south. Found the hotel, rented a room for the night and settled in. Took the sis-in-law to her assigned destination for rehearsal. We found the school after being directed by one of the hotel staff on the proper way to get there. "Follow exactly what I tell you or you're gonna get lost" is what she told us poor, pitiful city mice. I could just see her inability to understand why anyone would want to live anywhere other than Oxford, NC. But she got us there relatively easy and I'll take easy anyday.
We pulled up to the school and found that we were the only car in the parking lot. Well this was issue #1 for Inetta. "Why are we the only ones here?", she says to me as if I know the answer to that pertinent piece of information. She calls the "boss". She's told that rehearsals won't start until noon because there's no one there to open the building yet. "Thanks for letting a sista know these things", she said as we cracked up in the background. Back to the hotel. There's hair to be done and make up to be applied (which apparently is Yvette's {the niece that accompanied us} only mission here). We finally get her there and they have to sit and wait. Still no one to open the door. Yvette and myself decide that it's past lunch time and we're going to "sight see". We head to Henderson. My mission is to find a place that sells "authentic" Carolina BBQ. There's nothing like it in this whole world. If you ever have the real deal, this crap they try to pass as "carolina BBQ" here in Virginny will either make you laugh or cry. We find it in a place called Smithfield's Chicken N BBQ. OMG! It's like heaven on earth. I'm happy and Yvette and I have a real nice heart to heart about the issues in this family. It's a comical, yet true, view of the legacy of Ruth Freeman, my mother-in-law. We covered it all. We laughed. We pitied. We made ourselves feel better about the whole thing just by saying, "we just don't understand it".
The play was a smash with the approximately 50 people that attended. We liked it. We laughed at Inetta and her "lost in her role" way of getting into character. Yvette continually said during the play, "she really thinks she's a first lady!" I say, "yep..she likes it too!" I, then get asked on the way out of the school to give my thoughts on the play. It was well done, thought provoking and I enjoyed it is what I gave the fellow who was toting the video camera which he promptly shoved into the faces of us unsuspecting spectators. It was like the old "deer in the headlight" look for most of us. Back to the hotel. Sleep is a welcomed friend this night. Up at 0730. Got to take advantage of the free continental breakfast. Pack the car. Yvette's husband is coming to get her and they will go on to visit a relative of his that's down the road a piece. Inetta and I head back to VA.
It won't go without a hitch tho. A blown tire on I-85 could have been much worse than it was. I jump out of the car, automatically thinking of "A Christmas Story" and the tire changing scene where Ralphie is helping his dad by holding the hubcap with the lug nuts and the dad hits the hubcap and the lug nuts go flying into the darkness and Ralphie says, "oh fuuuuuuuuuddddggggeee" except it wasn't fudge that came out of his mouth. The dad thinks himself a pit worker in a Nascar race and times himself. My sis-in-law, thinks I'm just dandy because I actually know how to change a tire without my husband by my side. I feel like a superhero. A state trooper comes upon us and offers to lend a hand. I tell him I have things under control and that I'm glad I listened to my husband when he told me to get a 2 ton hydraulic jack and put it in the trunk. "Those piece of crap jacks that they give you in cars these days aren't worth crap." Crap isn't what came out of his mouth. The nice state trooper directed us to the nearest WalMart to buy a tire. The only tire they had in my size cost $80 the nice Wally world worker tells me as he smiles. $92 for 1 tire! $92. I know my husband rolled at least 1 time in his final resting place. I could hear his voice in my head. "Have you lost your mind? 92 bucks for 1 tire? You've got to be kidding me! Highway robbery!". Tire on, shopping done, we hit the road again. After about 2 miles, I realize we should be heading east, not west so we do a u-ey and get back on the right track. Home sweet home is what's on our minds. My sis-in-law and I have now bonded more than either of us ever thought we would. It's been nice. It's been interesting. It's been a learning experience to say the least.
Hotel room: $102/night (split in half). Gas: $37. New tire and labor: $92. Food: Approximately $30.
An overnight stay in a town far away with my niece and sister-in-law loaded with laughs and a good time: Priceless.
I went with the same 2 family members that I not too long ago, went to lunch with in Wakefield, VA. Yes. I ventured even further with them this time. My sis-in-law, Inetta, fancies herself an actress. She's actually quite good if the truth be told. She's been a part of this small ensemble, known as "Charlie T Productions", for about 3 years or so (I'm really guessing at that number). "Charlie T" is a ministry. They play small venues and grace their audiences with "in your face" gospel plays. Their want is your salvation. A unique way of getting out of the pews and reaching the lost.
We traveled to Oxford, NC for this particular production. Inetta asked me about 3 weeks ago if I would be interested in coming with her. I said sure, why not? It's a distraction from my humdrum existance and it's different and I've never been to Oxford so it should be interesting to say the least. I then find out that 1 of my nieces is also coming. This pair of folks will keep you in stitches. They compliment each other quite nicely. Her yin to her yang if you will. That makes for an often hilarious encounter. This one is no different.
Oxford, for lack of a better word, is a hick town. For anyone whose remotely familiar with NC, Oxford is about 10-12 miles south of Henderson, NC. It lies between Henderson and Durham, NC. A one horse town indeed. It actually reminds me of the small town where I grew up. Quaint, quiet and Norman Rockwell-esque. As it turns out, one of the cast members is from there which explains why we must travel the 2.5 hours to this town that time has forgotten for the most part to see a play. Life is slow there. The people are laid back. There are no sirens wailing in the middle of the night.
We left the big city at 0700 Saturday. We entered Oxford at 10:15am. We did stop in Emporia, VA for gas and sustenance. The trip there was uneventful. We didn't get lost. We saw miles and miles of trees and fields. My sis-in-law enthralled by the "quaintness" of the country life. I'd give her about 30 days to get thoroughly sick of it if she ever tried to live there. My husband could never get over the fact that there were no streetlights lining the streets in these small places. It's indeed a different way of life.
So, here we are. 3 city mice venturing into the country for an overnight stay. We all agreed that Oxford was a nice place to visit. Inetta, perhaps, would try to live there someday but not today.
It was dreary and rainy in the big city upon our exit. The clouds broke some as we got closer and the sun peeked out several times during our driving time. Spirits were high and we endlessly chatted our way south. Found the hotel, rented a room for the night and settled in. Took the sis-in-law to her assigned destination for rehearsal. We found the school after being directed by one of the hotel staff on the proper way to get there. "Follow exactly what I tell you or you're gonna get lost" is what she told us poor, pitiful city mice. I could just see her inability to understand why anyone would want to live anywhere other than Oxford, NC. But she got us there relatively easy and I'll take easy anyday.
We pulled up to the school and found that we were the only car in the parking lot. Well this was issue #1 for Inetta. "Why are we the only ones here?", she says to me as if I know the answer to that pertinent piece of information. She calls the "boss". She's told that rehearsals won't start until noon because there's no one there to open the building yet. "Thanks for letting a sista know these things", she said as we cracked up in the background. Back to the hotel. There's hair to be done and make up to be applied (which apparently is Yvette's {the niece that accompanied us} only mission here). We finally get her there and they have to sit and wait. Still no one to open the door. Yvette and myself decide that it's past lunch time and we're going to "sight see". We head to Henderson. My mission is to find a place that sells "authentic" Carolina BBQ. There's nothing like it in this whole world. If you ever have the real deal, this crap they try to pass as "carolina BBQ" here in Virginny will either make you laugh or cry. We find it in a place called Smithfield's Chicken N BBQ. OMG! It's like heaven on earth. I'm happy and Yvette and I have a real nice heart to heart about the issues in this family. It's a comical, yet true, view of the legacy of Ruth Freeman, my mother-in-law. We covered it all. We laughed. We pitied. We made ourselves feel better about the whole thing just by saying, "we just don't understand it".
The play was a smash with the approximately 50 people that attended. We liked it. We laughed at Inetta and her "lost in her role" way of getting into character. Yvette continually said during the play, "she really thinks she's a first lady!" I say, "yep..she likes it too!" I, then get asked on the way out of the school to give my thoughts on the play. It was well done, thought provoking and I enjoyed it is what I gave the fellow who was toting the video camera which he promptly shoved into the faces of us unsuspecting spectators. It was like the old "deer in the headlight" look for most of us. Back to the hotel. Sleep is a welcomed friend this night. Up at 0730. Got to take advantage of the free continental breakfast. Pack the car. Yvette's husband is coming to get her and they will go on to visit a relative of his that's down the road a piece. Inetta and I head back to VA.
It won't go without a hitch tho. A blown tire on I-85 could have been much worse than it was. I jump out of the car, automatically thinking of "A Christmas Story" and the tire changing scene where Ralphie is helping his dad by holding the hubcap with the lug nuts and the dad hits the hubcap and the lug nuts go flying into the darkness and Ralphie says, "oh fuuuuuuuuuddddggggeee" except it wasn't fudge that came out of his mouth. The dad thinks himself a pit worker in a Nascar race and times himself. My sis-in-law, thinks I'm just dandy because I actually know how to change a tire without my husband by my side. I feel like a superhero. A state trooper comes upon us and offers to lend a hand. I tell him I have things under control and that I'm glad I listened to my husband when he told me to get a 2 ton hydraulic jack and put it in the trunk. "Those piece of crap jacks that they give you in cars these days aren't worth crap." Crap isn't what came out of his mouth. The nice state trooper directed us to the nearest WalMart to buy a tire. The only tire they had in my size cost $80 the nice Wally world worker tells me as he smiles. $92 for 1 tire! $92. I know my husband rolled at least 1 time in his final resting place. I could hear his voice in my head. "Have you lost your mind? 92 bucks for 1 tire? You've got to be kidding me! Highway robbery!". Tire on, shopping done, we hit the road again. After about 2 miles, I realize we should be heading east, not west so we do a u-ey and get back on the right track. Home sweet home is what's on our minds. My sis-in-law and I have now bonded more than either of us ever thought we would. It's been nice. It's been interesting. It's been a learning experience to say the least.
Hotel room: $102/night (split in half). Gas: $37. New tire and labor: $92. Food: Approximately $30.
An overnight stay in a town far away with my niece and sister-in-law loaded with laughs and a good time: Priceless.
Monday, October 12, 2009
A Family Affair, Part Deux
The baby steps keep coming. The more I take, the further along in this journey I go.
My first "family" gathering without my dear by my side. The gathering was in the home of one of the sister-in-laws, in honor of her birthday. There was a cross section of this huge family in attendance. 3 brother-in-laws, 3 sister-in-laws, some nieces, some nephews, some family friends and me.
There was every kind of food imaginable. BBQ chicken, spaghetti, cornbread, pot roast, tuna casserole, potato salad, baby lima beans, garlic bread, punchbowl cake, and a store bought birthday cake. Yummy! Sabotage for a gal trying to lose some poundage though. I suffered through it in silence and with a full mouth. Couldn't resist the cake. It's a weakness of mine. (What can I say?)
She(the sister-in-law whose birthday it was), asked me to bring a picture of my son with me when I came. "Sure", I said. But I wondered what in the world could the purpose of that be. Well, I handed the picture over and away she went to another room. I called out to her, "hey, I need that back when I leave tonite, I swiped it off of my daughter's bedroom wall." "No problem", she called out. So we sat and chatted after getting hugs from all around. It seemed a bit "weird" to be in her home without my husband. I felt like I was out of place. Not because of anything anyone said or did, it was because I'd never been in that circumstance before. I have to get adjusted to being with them without him. It's still a new thang.
As it turns out, she requested the picture to add it to a small table that was in her living room. Upon that table were pictures of 3 important people in her eyes. Her mother, who passed in 2002, my son, who passed in 2005, and my husband, who passed just 4 months ago. She lit a candle in the middle of all 3 pictures. We blessed the food and she spoke about the 3 souls represented in those photos. "My mom", her voice cracking, "I wish she were here today". "My nephew, his birthday was last week on 10/4. I may not have always gotten him a present each year, but I always called him on his birthday and he would say, " hey aunt Eunice." "My brother", if he were here he would be the 1st to the table and the last to leave. I just miss my brother." " I wanted to just gather with family tonite and I debated whether to do this or not but I felt I needed it. We don't spend enough time together and I miss that. My heart has been heavy of late and I just wanted to be with my family today." Beautifully said. The tears she was shedding made it real and heartfelt. She is a good soul. I felt honored to be in that circle holding hands with the family that I was lucky enough to be welcomed into and I thought in those moments of prayer and heartfelt words, "how would I have made it without them these last 4 months? How will make it in the future if our connection is broken by something unforeseen?" I shudder at that thought. For this family may NOT be perfect, but it is a loving, kind, affectionate, good time family. With all of their faults, they love each other unconditionally. And I was blessed enough to have met the eldest sibling a very long time ago and survive. I know that I can call on them and they will be there. Even without their brother by my side, I know that these folks have my back. And that's a feeling no amount of money can pay for.
I'm still not exactly sure where my place is in the grand pecking order, but I know that I have a place in there somewhere. I am a Freeman. That's a heart full.
My first "family" gathering without my dear by my side. The gathering was in the home of one of the sister-in-laws, in honor of her birthday. There was a cross section of this huge family in attendance. 3 brother-in-laws, 3 sister-in-laws, some nieces, some nephews, some family friends and me.
There was every kind of food imaginable. BBQ chicken, spaghetti, cornbread, pot roast, tuna casserole, potato salad, baby lima beans, garlic bread, punchbowl cake, and a store bought birthday cake. Yummy! Sabotage for a gal trying to lose some poundage though. I suffered through it in silence and with a full mouth. Couldn't resist the cake. It's a weakness of mine. (What can I say?)
She(the sister-in-law whose birthday it was), asked me to bring a picture of my son with me when I came. "Sure", I said. But I wondered what in the world could the purpose of that be. Well, I handed the picture over and away she went to another room. I called out to her, "hey, I need that back when I leave tonite, I swiped it off of my daughter's bedroom wall." "No problem", she called out. So we sat and chatted after getting hugs from all around. It seemed a bit "weird" to be in her home without my husband. I felt like I was out of place. Not because of anything anyone said or did, it was because I'd never been in that circumstance before. I have to get adjusted to being with them without him. It's still a new thang.
As it turns out, she requested the picture to add it to a small table that was in her living room. Upon that table were pictures of 3 important people in her eyes. Her mother, who passed in 2002, my son, who passed in 2005, and my husband, who passed just 4 months ago. She lit a candle in the middle of all 3 pictures. We blessed the food and she spoke about the 3 souls represented in those photos. "My mom", her voice cracking, "I wish she were here today". "My nephew, his birthday was last week on 10/4. I may not have always gotten him a present each year, but I always called him on his birthday and he would say, " hey aunt Eunice." "My brother", if he were here he would be the 1st to the table and the last to leave. I just miss my brother." " I wanted to just gather with family tonite and I debated whether to do this or not but I felt I needed it. We don't spend enough time together and I miss that. My heart has been heavy of late and I just wanted to be with my family today." Beautifully said. The tears she was shedding made it real and heartfelt. She is a good soul. I felt honored to be in that circle holding hands with the family that I was lucky enough to be welcomed into and I thought in those moments of prayer and heartfelt words, "how would I have made it without them these last 4 months? How will make it in the future if our connection is broken by something unforeseen?" I shudder at that thought. For this family may NOT be perfect, but it is a loving, kind, affectionate, good time family. With all of their faults, they love each other unconditionally. And I was blessed enough to have met the eldest sibling a very long time ago and survive. I know that I can call on them and they will be there. Even without their brother by my side, I know that these folks have my back. And that's a feeling no amount of money can pay for.
I'm still not exactly sure where my place is in the grand pecking order, but I know that I have a place in there somewhere. I am a Freeman. That's a heart full.
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