Un-Happy Valentine's Day

My husband & I were never big on Valentine's Day celebrations. I can probably count the number of times on one hand that we actually exchanged gifts. One year, he gave me this huge bouquet of roses and a card, but only after being " overly encouraged" by my friends and co-workers. I gave him a pair of silk boxer shorts and a basket of "love items" one year. He got a big kick out of that. Over the past few years, I bought him heart shaped balloons and a variety of stuffed animals along with cards. Last year, I gave him balloons, a stuffed bear and a musical card. He thanked me and liked the balloons. He and I always felt that we didn't need a specific day to show our love for one another, we did that on a daily basis. Why spend money unnecessarily?

This year marked the 1st time in 26 years that I didn't have him to at least wish me a happy valentine's day. So I wasn't very happy needless to say.

I took 2 balloons, (1 for me, 1 for him) and tied them to the mini flag pole that I had placed into the vase on the headstone this morning. I stood there. Looking at his name looking up at me. Trying to wrap my mind around the fact that he's really gone. I still don't quite believe it. But I know it's all too real. I was there when he drew his last breath.

If he were here today, he would have woke me up with a kiss and a "Happy Valentine's Day honey" whispered in my ear. Then he would have added, "want to mess around?" I would have laughed and said, "Where are my flowers?" "In the store where they belong.", is what his answer would have said. "Why buy flowers, they will die in a week." Why, indeed. But it wasn't the flowers that died, it was him. My brother-in-law said to me yesterday, "he left you, you know." I said, "no, he died there's a difference." He asked me what the difference was. "He didn't choose to go." His response was, "but isn't he still gone?" I didn't know what else to say. He was partially right. He is gone. And I have to learn to live with it. But I don't have to like it and I don't.

I miss him. John, my funny Valentine.

Happy Birthday to You in Heaven

I often thought over the years about people and their birthdays after they die. Especially over the last 9 years. These years have been particularly difficult for me. I lost my Dad, my mother-in-law, my son, my grandma and my husband in those years.

My husband's 71st birthday is today. February 3rd. A day that I've acknowledged and celebrated with him for the last 25 years. Last year this time, he was in a nursing home. I carried him balloons and a card and sang happy birthday to him. He thanked me but with little enthusiasm. I wondered if he had even remembered it was his day.

This year, I remembered. I took the balloons to the cemetery. Tied them to the vase on our headstone. Sang happy birthday to the ground. What a difference a year makes. I left feeling empty and sad. Wishing for one more smile from him. One more anything from him would do.

So I paused, remembered, and acknowledged his birthday for the 26th time since he came into my life. It was different. I looked up. Smiled to the heavens and said, " Happy Birthday baby. Hope it's better in heaven than it was here for the past few birthdays." As a tear rolled down my cheek, I heard his voice in my head say, "It is my dear, it is."

I miss him. John, my birthday boy in Heaven. Drag racing on those streets of gold must be one sight to behold I bet. See you when I get there. Until then. I'll be loving you.