You Never Know Where Your Help Will Come From...

I had visitors yesterday. Family. Don't you just love family that checks on a gal now & then?

My niece stopped by first. Hadn't seen this one in a minute. She listens well and is doing well. She reads this blog and was asking if I was still posting. I had taken a break because there was nothing to post in a few weeks but I told her there were 2 new posts last week. Check 'em out.

Then I got the shock of the day. My brother-in-law drove up. Now you must understand why I say "shock of the day". This brother rarely visits and it takes moving mountains to get this man to call. But I had gotten him a package that he needed to pick up so he ventured beyond the yard of safety and came over to the poor side of town.


This is James. One of my husband's "little" brothers. (There were 5 boys). He's 2 years my husband's junior. I tend to view him as younger than he is because my husband always spoke of him from the standpoint of his being younger. It's hard to get that perception out of my head because it's been there for so long. But I must learn to view him through my own eyes now.

Now, he's far from a recluse but he doesn't deviate from his routines often. That's neither good nor bad. It's just.....James. He is....well.....James. Everyone knows he's a creature of habit which isn't much different than most of us if the truth be told. I know he's probably wondering why I'm calling more than I used to. But he's too polite to ask. He doesn't know that his "big" brother made me promise that I would keep in touch with him after he was gone. He doesn't know that John asked me to "keep an eye on him". My husband was concerned about James. He's had some health issues and I guess my husband thought since I am in the medical field and I helped him whenever I could that I should try and do the same for his "little" bro. I don't have a problem with that. Will do what I can. The question is, does James have a problem with it? I don't think it will be a major issue. But I sense that he may not be thrilled with the idea that someone was asked to keep a "check" on him. Especially since the checker will be me. Although I've never called it that and haven't told him of the promise I made to his brother.

I told him that I like to call him because he sounds like John over the phone. At times when we're chit chatting, I close my eyes and if I didn't know better, I'd swear it was John's voice coming through that receiver. Another reason I call him is that James lost his long time spouse in 2004. So he's walked this journey 5 years longer than I. He knows and understands the road I'm on. He knows the feeling of utter loneliness in the midnite hour. So I don't feel so alone when I talk to him. I know he has no idea that he brings a sense of connection because we now share this common issue. He's a dude afterall. Guys very rarely comprehend that misery loves company. But it certainly helps me to know I'm not alone and there's someone who has made it through what I'm currently struggling with. I see him laugh. I see him engage people. I see him embrace life on his own level. These things make me know that I, too, will make it. This season will pass with time. So, he helps me without even knowing, which is pretty cool in itself. To watch him progress from where he once was to where he's at now allows me to realize that things will get better as time moves on. I will adjust and get used to doing things alone. I don't have to like it but I do have to do it.

So, to my brother-in-law, I thank you sir. You've served as an example without even knowing it. Thanks for showing me that there is life after. Different but life nonetheless. I'll watch and learn from you. I'll just put my feet into the footprints that you left behind until I can leave my own set that someone else may need to follow. If I can move forward as gracefully as you have then I know I'll come out shiny and new. Just look at him in that picture and see his light shine.

Road Trip

I ventured on a road trip today with 2 of John's relatives. Probably 2 of my most favorite folks in the family. We went to Wakefield, VA and ate at the world famous (cough cough) VA Diner. I felt like I needed an afternoon away from the hustle and bustle of Norfolk so I buzzed up the sis-in-law and said, "Let's go eat at a place I've never tried before." "And call that crazy niece of yours and see if she wants to tag along." She said, "Ok". And off we went.

The food was delicious. I had the pulled pork BBQ sandwich with onion rings (real onion rings btw) and sweet iced tea. The sis-in-law had fried oysters(lightly dusted), loaded baked potato, a side salad, and 2 biscuits. The niece had a mini BBQ sandwich, mini cheeseburger, and onion rings. We all cleaned our plates and it was yummy!

We talked about our lives. We talked about my husband and the niece's parents and the matriarch of this huge family. We laughed some, we remembered plenty and we missed the ones no longer here. My loss being the freshest made it difficult but I survived.

The thing about reminiscing with family members is that you hear things about your loved one that may not be so pleasant. And that was the case today. I won't go into any specifics but let's just say if I had known what I heard about today prior to "getting serious" with him, our relationship would not have gone very far. It was hard to hear and even harder to imagine. I knew a far different man than the one in the picture that was painted for me today. I know we're not all perfect and I know we've all made mistakes along the way. But, this was just too much. I just thank God that the man I married was no longer the man that he used to be before I met him. Things would have most certainly been different in our lives. I found it hard to reconcile in my mind, the things that I heard today with the man that I had called husband. I came into his life at the exact right time. I missed all of the less than desirable qualities that he possessed. He had mellowed I suppose. It would not have been pretty had he not and our paths still crossed.

Aside from that conversation, our day was nice. The weather could have been better but the food made up for that somewhat. The really cool thing though was the fact that all 3 of us wore black & white clothing today. I've never dressed anywhere near like those 2. And today, we all had the same color scheme. And we didn't plan it.

My sis-in-law told me several times that I looked good today. I said, "well how bad did I look before for goodness sakes?" She then backed up the conversation and said, "not that you ever looked bad, but you look different." "I've never seen you dress like that, why haven't you dressed like this before?" I said, "I couldn't fit into these jeans until recently is 1 reason." "The other reason being, I was too tired to get "all gussied" up most of the time and if I had left the house looking like this when your brother was alive, he'd have 20 questions and I would have been too tired to go anywhere by then." "I did dress like this when he & I went out together, you were never privy to that." She said, "I like it. You really look nice." I thanked her. Losing 30 pounds always helps a gal look and feel better. If my husband were here and himself he would say, "who are you losing weight for?" "Certainly not me." "Well, of course, it's for you dear, don't you know I love you that much." Battin'eyes.

We all agreed that we must do this again soon. We all enjoyed each other's company. What's better than good food and good company? Nothing, I say.

Fillin Time

That's what has consumed me for the past few months. Figuring out ways to fill the vast amount of time that I find myself having these days. Aside from work, I don't really do a whole lot so I've gotten creative with occupying my mind.

EXERCISE
I've started exercising in an effort to keep my idle mind going. How desperate must one be to turn to this form of ancient torture? Yes. Pretty desperate. But it's working. Not only does it occupy my mind, I've lost 29lbs in the process! I never thought I would be capable of losing that much weight again EVER! Now, I haven't lost that much weight since my husband died. I had started trying to lose weight back in February. The majority of the weight, however, has fallen off since his death. I don't eat as big a meal these days. And apparently, eating was my stress reliever during those difficult times when he was so terribly ill. A coping mechanism if you will.

DANCING
I've also started just breaking out in dance at home. I spend a good amount of time with my I-pod attached to my head. I've loaded it with my favorite tunes and some of my husband's favorites as well. So I randomly break out in dance and song during the evening hours at home. I often close the windows, blinds and doors as not to run all of my neighbors away.

COMPUTER
I find myself returning to facebook numerous times during the evening. I don't do those silly, little games that so many of my "friends" do yet. I'm a bit leary of having to download or "allow" access by those little buggers. I've been bitten by the virus bug a few times and I'm a bit trigger shy. But it consumes time nonetheless.

TELEPHONE
I've never been much of a telephone person. Rarely talked on the phone when I was a teenager. Partly because my mom wouldn't allow it and the rest was me. What would we talk about? I saw all of my friends in school everyday so why chit chat during the evening hours? I'd save my conversations for school. (Not during class tho ..:) ). This continued in to my adulthood. Called home sometimes when I was on active duty. After meeting my husband, I talked with him more on the phone sometimes than at home. He was the phone talker. Not me. He called me every night from work. I called him regularly when I was on a Med. Cruise back in 1985-1986. I talk with my mom almost everyday now. Especially since our son was killed. She calls me everyday. And has continued this habit since my husband passed. I've also been instructed to call his siblings as often as needed. I must say I've done this to a small number of them and it's been interesting. I'm branching out in ways I never thought possible. My husband would be proud of his newly born phone talker.

SCRAPBOOKING/CRAFTING
I've gotten half way through the scrapbook of our lives. It got hard and I have had to take a break. I also have tried my hand at sewing. I've got a project that I will pick back up again. And because some of our relatives read this blog, I won't go into any detail as I'm saving it as a surprise for them. Let's just say, it's frustrating if you've not sewn since you were in vacation bible school. But it was interesting to try and I will finish this if it takes me an eternity.

HOUSEHOLD CHORES/LAWNCARE
I find myself checking to make sure the grass is getting cut regularly. I always hated cutting the grass but now it's another chore that fills the time. My yard looks great! I also clean the house regularly and wash the dishes even if they're not running out of the sink! AWESOME! It also fills my time so I try not to think that I'm doing housework. It's time filling.

So there you have the gamut of things I'm trying or re-incorporating in to my life since losing my husband. There are a few other things on the horizon. Lunch out w/a sibling and niece on this Saturday. Trying a new restaurant out in the country. I heard it's really good, homecooking. Yummy. I also purchased tickets to see Stevie Wonder today. He's coming to the Ted Constant Center at ODU in October! I can't wait! I've always wanted to see him and now I have the chance. I'm sad that my husband isn't here to enjoy the show with me. I told him for years that when Stevie came close by we were going. He would have never let me spend that much money on that ticket tho. But I'm sure he's saying, "go ahead dear, go see Stevie and have fun. You deserve it." But did you have to spend that much money? He was el cheapo!

I miss him.

Getting To Know You...

"Getting to know all about you". That's how that old song goes and that's what I've been doing as of late with my extended family.
With my husband resting in peace, I've turned to his family for comfort and for sharing my memories. In turn, I've gotten to know some of them better as well. It's taken 25 years but better late than never.
I'm learning the pecking order and my place in that order little by little. I'm seeing who's who and what's what and it's fascinating to say the least. Some talk a lot, some say very little. Some call and check on me regularly, some haven't called yet. Some have stopped by our house and visited, some can't bring themselves to do that just yet.
I even went somewhere with a sibling recently. Something we've never done! She commented on it like this: "I think it's amazing! It's just amazing that after all of those years that you were with my brother, this is the first time that I've ever been anywhere with just the 2 of us in the car." "What took so long?"
My husband dominated my time in all of those years. We spent every moment we could together throughout our relationship. That was mostly my choice. He never forced me or demanded that of me. Between work, sleep, and the kids, we had very little time to spend together over the years so we made the most of it. And now, I'm glad that we did it that way. Those are times that no one, not even death, can take from me.
I'm slowly learning how to get out and about without him by my side and it's not as bad as I thought it would be. I do have my moments when I glance over to my side and expect to see him sitting there with that goofy look on his face. I'm trying to face things and get them behind me.
I went fishing the other night, something he & I used to do regularly. Went to "our spot" and sat and fished. His voice reverberating in my head about who's going to catch the biggest fish. I looked over to my right (which is where he usually posted himself) and the space was empty and it made me sad. Again, a reminder of what I've lost. A companion. Someone to do things with.
So I'm getting to know his family and I'm getting to know myself. This new person who has no husband. The one that has to do things alone. One of his brothers probably put it best when he said, "You have to get out and make something happen, you can't sit here and expect it to come to you." "Just get out and do it."
Easier said than done. But I'm trying. Spending time with his family gives me a sense of connection to him. Kind of like training wheels on a new bike. They keep me from falling on my face and I gain confidence that I will use as time moves on. The roller coaster ride is far from over but I'm learning how to tolerate the drops a little better.

It's Written in Stone

Well, I did it.

I ordered our headstone yesterday. OUR headstone! Do you know how weird it is to tell the monument salesman how you want your name on you OWN headstone? It's freakin weird! The conversation went like this:

Monument saleslady: "Mrs. Freeman, how do you want your husband's name to read on his side of the monument?"

Me: "John W.

Monument saleslady: "Now, Mrs. Freeman, how do you want your name to read?"

Me: "What? My name? Ummm...let me see. (This is the part where I was freaking out in my head) I guess it should say Sherry Ellis."

Monument saleslady: "Ok then that sounds like a plan."

Me: "This price includes adding my date of death when it happens right?"

Monument saleslady: "Umm...no it does not." "Do you want to pay for that now? Today?"

Me: "Yes."

Monument saleslady: "Are you sure?" "Most people don't pay for that up front."

Me: "Really, why not? This way my daughter won't have to worry about it when the time comes." "How much does it cost?"

Monument saleslady: $288.

Me: {faint}

These things cost a small fortune but you do get to pick whatever you want to put on there and you can put as much as will fit for the most part. So I picked a simple, not so decorated bronze(which is what the cemetery dictates you to get when you choose to bury your loved ones in their piece of dirt....can you say..."rip off?" I thought that you could.) slab. It will be a double headstone b/c after all where else am I going to go when the deed is done? In a place where a bunch strangers just pass me by and say stupid stuff like "why is she here by herself?". They call them "companion markers" now. Anyhoo, I chose a nice little Ford Maverick to put under his info with the saying; "Cruisin' the 1/4 mile". My husband loved drag racing and they didn't have any dragsters only pukey Nascar cars (ewww..get a life really). The Maverick was because this was the last car that he drove and worked on before he got sick. He loved that stupid thing. Was peacock proud and hyena happy when he finished it. Made me tape him telling the audience (which was just me btw) what he did to the car. Hood scoop, modified to accept a 460 engine, straight axle from a 1963 Econoline, blah blah blah.

My side will have my first name and my maiden last name as I chose to hyphenate my name after marriage. Of course under my info will be the ever present Redskins helmet (if they have one available..I mean, they should have one they had a friggen Dallas one for God's sakes...uuugggghhhh). Under the helmet they will put; "HTTR!" Every self respecting Skins fan will know what that means and if they don't they're not really Skins fans!

Ok...so I pay for the monstrosity to the tune of over 3k. Yes! 3k! I'm sure I heard my husband turn over in his grave at that point. But I'm not finished yet. You didn't think it was over did you? If you've read any of this blog, you would know it's not over. It's never over on the first go round.

I got a call today from the monument company. She says she was so sorry for calling me at work but she had to go over something with me that apparently I didn't realize. She says, "you're paying for your spot on "time" right?" "Yes", I say. "Well, they won't let us put the monument down until your site is paid for." "Excuse me?", I say. "No, Mrs. Freeman, you can't put this marker down until your plot is paid for." "You're kidding me right?". "No, I'm afraid not." . "Let me call the cemetery and speak to them to get the cash payoff". "I can't let my husband lay out there for 2 years without a headstone!" "I don't believe this." "And folks thought lawyers were bloodsuckers!"

I call the nice cemetery people and say to them that I don't remember anyone telling me that I can't place a marker until I pay for my spot. They say, that's the way it is. IF you don't pay off your spot and a marker is already placed then we're screwed. So I guess that means they are going to screw me first so they won't get screwed last. Cash payoff for my plot: $2613. The marker won't be ready until November so I can pay a little on it and then pay the rest off when they are ready to place it. Really? That's might white of yall don't you think? So the cost of my husband's death comes to approximately (including the funeral) $13k. I know that I've heard my husband do a 360 in his resting place. I think the earth moved. I can hear him now. "You're gonna pay that?" "Are you high?" "Rip off!" "Highway robbery!" "Get your money and get the hell out of there". I know that's what he's saying. But I can't leave him nameless for 2 years! I wouldn't be able to rest! He deserves a marker. Now if the shoe was on the other foot, I'd be nameless.

Death is a business. Sad. The poor and ill planned suffer yet again. So ramp up that insurance folks. You're gonna get screwed w/o K-Y in the end.