It's Written in Stone

Well, I did it.

I ordered our headstone yesterday. OUR headstone! Do you know how weird it is to tell the monument salesman how you want your name on you OWN headstone? It's freakin weird! The conversation went like this:

Monument saleslady: "Mrs. Freeman, how do you want your husband's name to read on his side of the monument?"

Me: "John W.

Monument saleslady: "Now, Mrs. Freeman, how do you want your name to read?"

Me: "What? My name? Ummm...let me see. (This is the part where I was freaking out in my head) I guess it should say Sherry Ellis."

Monument saleslady: "Ok then that sounds like a plan."

Me: "This price includes adding my date of death when it happens right?"

Monument saleslady: "Umm...no it does not." "Do you want to pay for that now? Today?"

Me: "Yes."

Monument saleslady: "Are you sure?" "Most people don't pay for that up front."

Me: "Really, why not? This way my daughter won't have to worry about it when the time comes." "How much does it cost?"

Monument saleslady: $288.

Me: {faint}

These things cost a small fortune but you do get to pick whatever you want to put on there and you can put as much as will fit for the most part. So I picked a simple, not so decorated bronze(which is what the cemetery dictates you to get when you choose to bury your loved ones in their piece of dirt....can you say..."rip off?" I thought that you could.) slab. It will be a double headstone b/c after all where else am I going to go when the deed is done? In a place where a bunch strangers just pass me by and say stupid stuff like "why is she here by herself?". They call them "companion markers" now. Anyhoo, I chose a nice little Ford Maverick to put under his info with the saying; "Cruisin' the 1/4 mile". My husband loved drag racing and they didn't have any dragsters only pukey Nascar cars (ewww..get a life really). The Maverick was because this was the last car that he drove and worked on before he got sick. He loved that stupid thing. Was peacock proud and hyena happy when he finished it. Made me tape him telling the audience (which was just me btw) what he did to the car. Hood scoop, modified to accept a 460 engine, straight axle from a 1963 Econoline, blah blah blah.

My side will have my first name and my maiden last name as I chose to hyphenate my name after marriage. Of course under my info will be the ever present Redskins helmet (if they have one available..I mean, they should have one they had a friggen Dallas one for God's sakes...uuugggghhhh). Under the helmet they will put; "HTTR!" Every self respecting Skins fan will know what that means and if they don't they're not really Skins fans!

Ok...so I pay for the monstrosity to the tune of over 3k. Yes! 3k! I'm sure I heard my husband turn over in his grave at that point. But I'm not finished yet. You didn't think it was over did you? If you've read any of this blog, you would know it's not over. It's never over on the first go round.

I got a call today from the monument company. She says she was so sorry for calling me at work but she had to go over something with me that apparently I didn't realize. She says, "you're paying for your spot on "time" right?" "Yes", I say. "Well, they won't let us put the monument down until your site is paid for." "Excuse me?", I say. "No, Mrs. Freeman, you can't put this marker down until your plot is paid for." "You're kidding me right?". "No, I'm afraid not." . "Let me call the cemetery and speak to them to get the cash payoff". "I can't let my husband lay out there for 2 years without a headstone!" "I don't believe this." "And folks thought lawyers were bloodsuckers!"

I call the nice cemetery people and say to them that I don't remember anyone telling me that I can't place a marker until I pay for my spot. They say, that's the way it is. IF you don't pay off your spot and a marker is already placed then we're screwed. So I guess that means they are going to screw me first so they won't get screwed last. Cash payoff for my plot: $2613. The marker won't be ready until November so I can pay a little on it and then pay the rest off when they are ready to place it. Really? That's might white of yall don't you think? So the cost of my husband's death comes to approximately (including the funeral) $13k. I know that I've heard my husband do a 360 in his resting place. I think the earth moved. I can hear him now. "You're gonna pay that?" "Are you high?" "Rip off!" "Highway robbery!" "Get your money and get the hell out of there". I know that's what he's saying. But I can't leave him nameless for 2 years! I wouldn't be able to rest! He deserves a marker. Now if the shoe was on the other foot, I'd be nameless.

Death is a business. Sad. The poor and ill planned suffer yet again. So ramp up that insurance folks. You're gonna get screwed w/o K-Y in the end.