Getting To Know You...

"Getting to know all about you". That's how that old song goes and that's what I've been doing as of late with my extended family.
With my husband resting in peace, I've turned to his family for comfort and for sharing my memories. In turn, I've gotten to know some of them better as well. It's taken 25 years but better late than never.
I'm learning the pecking order and my place in that order little by little. I'm seeing who's who and what's what and it's fascinating to say the least. Some talk a lot, some say very little. Some call and check on me regularly, some haven't called yet. Some have stopped by our house and visited, some can't bring themselves to do that just yet.
I even went somewhere with a sibling recently. Something we've never done! She commented on it like this: "I think it's amazing! It's just amazing that after all of those years that you were with my brother, this is the first time that I've ever been anywhere with just the 2 of us in the car." "What took so long?"
My husband dominated my time in all of those years. We spent every moment we could together throughout our relationship. That was mostly my choice. He never forced me or demanded that of me. Between work, sleep, and the kids, we had very little time to spend together over the years so we made the most of it. And now, I'm glad that we did it that way. Those are times that no one, not even death, can take from me.
I'm slowly learning how to get out and about without him by my side and it's not as bad as I thought it would be. I do have my moments when I glance over to my side and expect to see him sitting there with that goofy look on his face. I'm trying to face things and get them behind me.
I went fishing the other night, something he & I used to do regularly. Went to "our spot" and sat and fished. His voice reverberating in my head about who's going to catch the biggest fish. I looked over to my right (which is where he usually posted himself) and the space was empty and it made me sad. Again, a reminder of what I've lost. A companion. Someone to do things with.
So I'm getting to know his family and I'm getting to know myself. This new person who has no husband. The one that has to do things alone. One of his brothers probably put it best when he said, "You have to get out and make something happen, you can't sit here and expect it to come to you." "Just get out and do it."
Easier said than done. But I'm trying. Spending time with his family gives me a sense of connection to him. Kind of like training wheels on a new bike. They keep me from falling on my face and I gain confidence that I will use as time moves on. The roller coaster ride is far from over but I'm learning how to tolerate the drops a little better.