Hey There Lonely Girl

As my journey through grief continues, one of the biggest changes has to be that I'm alone most of the time. I have never experienced loneliness such as this. I dodge the doldrums of aloneness during the daylight hours because of work. But after the sun goes down. The loneliness surrounds me like a huge overcoat. Heavy and encompassing.

The memories swirl in my mind. Most are good memories. Remembering the laughter we shared always makes me long for him to be here. I look to my left, as this is the position where he sat most of the time, and see that empty space. It screams at me, "HE'S GONE!". It's so quiet in the house now that it hurts my ears. The sound of quiet is the loudest noise I've ever heard in my life.

He filled up this whole house with his presence. I never knew that he took up that much space. I didn't realize how much of me he consumed. It was a good kind of consumption. He filled my space, my heart, my soul, my mind. Now, he's gone. His physical presence is no longer a factor in my day to day life and I, frankly, don't know how to live like this. I play the moments we shared as a couple over and over in my mind. The littlest details jump out at me. The words he spoke. The way he spoke them. The touch of his hand in mine. The look on his face as he slept. Knowing that I'll never experience those moments again is just too much to bear some times. I'll never make new memories with him again. I have to rely on the past memories to bring me comfort and make me smile.

I know I'll carry him within my heart for the rest of my life but sometimes that's not enough for the human side of me. I long to share a meal with him, a conversation or just watch him sleep.

Loneliness is not for the weak.

I miss him.