Disappearing Act

There are so many things to get done after you lose someone you love. Pay for the funeral, notify social security, pick out the headstone, file the insurance papers, and notify my job.

Along with those things mentioned above, there are also other, more tedious things to do. I have to remove him from dependent status with my job benefits, take him off of the bank account, change the car title from his name to mine, and take his name off of the mortgage and the deed to the house. I feel like I have this giant, pink eraser in my hand and I'm slowly making him disappear from existance. I know, I know. I don't have that kind of power but it certainly makes me feel that way.

As I take each step, I feel like I'm erasing his history, his record of being here. His name will disappear from everything and it will be like he's never been here at all. I don't want to do these things. I don't want to NOT get mail with his name on it.

With each task it seems he dies yet again. The only trace of him is in my heart and on my walls and dressers. I desperately try to hang onto anything that proves he was here and that he lived. But it's inevitable. It will be beyond final when tax season comes. Afterall, until the IRS knows you're dead, you're still alive for all intents and purposes.

This was all brought about today because I received an email from the human resources department about my "life changing event" that allows an employee to make changes to their benefit elections outside of the normal "window" of opportunity that usually occurs in October of each year. They sent me the costs of my benefits without the spouse portion. It's no longer "employee & spouse", it's the "employee only" election now. And it lists how much cheaper these benefits are when you're all by yourself. I almost cried (again). Talk about a reality check. When you see it on paper, it's even more real than when you try to formulate it in your mind.

• Health Care - Employee Only (widow)
• Dental Care - Employee Only (widow)
• Vision Care - Employee Only (widow)
• Life Insurance - Employee Only (widow)

That's what I saw in that email. A stark reminder that I am a widow. But I don't feel like a widow. Wait a minute, what does a widow feel like? If it's defined by loneliness or meals for 1 then I must be a widow.

I want to throw this eraser in the Atlantic ocean and never see it again. But I can't. I have to use this tool of torture and take care of business.

Afterall, that's what us widows do, apparently.