Some Things Never Change

I went back to work today. Re-joining the land of the living so to speak. It was hard. I was tired by the end of the day. That didn't surprise me. I knew it would take my body some time to get back into the swing of things. It felt like I was easing myself into a salt water bath with open wounds all over. It stung. It was reality in my face. The real world had not gone away nor had the earth stopped turning just because I lost my soul mate. Things just continue as though he wasn't even here.

I dreaded the inevitable. Coming home at the end of the workday without him being here. For the first time in 25 years, I knew my husband wasn't going to be coming home or at home when I got there. What a dose of reality! It slapped me right between the eyes! Sobering and painful.

I hadn't known what it was like to come to an empty house since I was 20 y/o. It's not fun. No love, no laughter, no life. Silence was the only sound and it was deafening.

My husband had always worked the graveyard shift at his job as a security officer. He was on the night shift when I met him and he liked it. It wasn't as bad as folks may have thought. I think it actually contributed to our relationship being so successful on some level. We rarely "crossed paths" during the week. He'd come home at 6:00am and I'd leave for work at 8:00am. He was in the bed and asleep by the time I would go out the door. I come home at 4:30pm and he'd be laying down for his pre-work nap at around 5:30pm. I'd wake him up between 9:00 and 9:15pm so he could get ready for work and be there by 10:00pm. So we'd have approximately 1 to 1.5 hours "together" during a typical work day. That would change depending on how tired he was or how much sleep he had gotten the day the before. We had 2 nights off together, Friday and Saturday. He'd go back to work on Sunday night. So Sunday was usually a "rest up" day for him and he rarely deviated from his schedule because it was hard on him once he returned to work if he did. But through all of that, he was here each and every day of my return from work until he got ill. He was out of the house for a while when he first fell ill in 2003. He came home in November of 2003 after a 10 month stay in a rehab facility. He remained here until this last illness took up residence. So all together I was without him in the house for about 18 months over the whole course of his illness. But those times I had always known he'd be home when he got better. Now, that luxury is gone. He's never coming home. NEVER again.

I don't know how to keep going except to keep going. I felt naked today. Like I had a big sign on my back that said, "tread easy, widow here". I still wear my wedding rings because I still feel like I'm married to him. I still feel him here. And I still hold him in my heart. I guess that will change as time passes but for now I'm not comfortable not wearing the rings, so I wear them.

The job is still the job. Nothing has changed. Folks looked at me with that pity face. If they only knew how much I once had there would be no pity. Jealousy perhaps, but not pity. I got through the day just as I'll get through every day to come for the rest of my life. I know that it will get easier. I do know that. But getting to those easier times is the whole challenge.

One foot in front of the other. One day at a time, one hour at a time and sometimes it's one minute at a time.