Wake Up Call

Often times when a person is grieving, it's the little things that seem to set you back in your quest to a healed you.

This weekend was particularly hard for me. I'm not sure what brought on the sadness. Nothing specific is my guess but it was a crying weekend for me nonetheless.

I awakened over the course of this weekend to the reality that my husband is indeed gone. I must trudge my way through whatever is left of my life without him. As this reality hit me (again), I found myself face to face with the fact that out of all the things that I have missed in these last 3 weeks, the thing I miss the most is waking up with him beside me. I hate waking each morning to that empty room. It's so void of everything that was John.

Oh sure, I have pictures galore of him on the walls and on the dressers but his presence is gone. This is never more clear than in the early morning hours as I'm waking up for the day. I received some measure of comfort from seeing him lying there in that hospital bed, his chest rising and falling softly as he took in life giving air. I had become so accustomed to it that I feel lost without it. No more light snoring as he cruised into REM sleep, no more rhythmic breathing noises as he snoozed way past wake up time, no more sudden movements of his legs as he wrestled with restless leg syndrome. No more 'good morning dears' and 'I love you's'. POOF!
In the blink of an eye, that was all gone. I was left with this wasteland of space in the bedroom. Our bedroom had always seemed so small with the 2 of us in it. No more. It's huge now. There's nothing to fill it up any longer.

I hate being without him. I hate waking up without him. I hate having to hate those things. I never thought that I'd be without him. Never even considered it. Even with the difference in our ages, I never thought it would come to pass. I had always pictured us together.

Unfortunately, things rarely turn out the way you picture them. My biggest fear is that I'll never find anyone to share this empty space with or even if I want to find anyone. Right now, I don't. I still feel John here with me. In my heart. In my mind. In my soul.

I miss him.

Each day brings a new dawn. Each day brings a new opportunity. Each day brings another day without him. Now that's a wake up call that no one wants.