In My Dreams

I've been waiting. I knew it would come. It always does but only when the time is right and I'm ready.

The time was right this morning. I awoke at around 4am or so and got up to go to the bathroom. Laid back down and waited for sleep to return. As usual, it took it's sweet time. I often take these moments to pray or think or remember. I usually wind up talking to John. Telling him how much I've missed him and wishing he were here. I drifted off somewhere during the conversation. And it happened.

I usually get a "visit" from a loved one after they've crossed over. Some take longer than others. With my son, it was about 2-3 weeks after his death. It was a very vivid, detailed visit. My husband was disappointed that he hadn't been visited by Derrick and was upset that I had. I told him he wasn't ready and when he was, Derrick would come. Not sure if he ever got that visit. I think John paid Derrick a visit before Derrick was able to get to him. With my dad, the visit came about 1-2 months after his death. I've had "visits" from almost everyone that I've lost that I was particularly close to during life. Aunts, grandfather, friends etc.

So I knew it was only a matter of time before my dear would get here. He had to wait until I was ready for the visit. He appeared this morning. My "visits" take the form of dreams. I guess that's the only way I can handle it. I was sitting on a sofa. John was on one side of me and somebody was on the other. I didn't see who was on the other side. Perhaps it was my son but I didn't see whoever it was and I knew someone was there. John didn't say a word. Just sat there, looking at me with this big grin on his face. He looked like the John I met all of those years ago. I immediately woke up. I got mad that I woke up so quickly. I didn't have a chance to say anything to him nor did I give him a chance to say anything to me either. I couldn't believe he made his first appearance and I woke up without so much as a "hi, how ya doin?".

I know now that he's watching me. He sees what I'm doing. And he's happy and well and whole and he's with someone that I also care deeply about. I felt that presence next to me and knew that it was someone special but didn't look at the person. I only looked at John.

I was so thankful to see him and to feel him next to me again. However, it's bittersweet. I wanted it to last longer and I wanted him to stay knowing full well he wouldn't choose this world over the paradise where he now resides. The pain of losing him came rushing back full force but I know he's ok and that's he's happy and he's watching his "dear" as I struggle to get back onto my feet without him. He's gonna help me do that.

I miss him. John, my dream guy.