The '7 Year' Ache

Today. November 2, 2009. A date that will live in infamy. Better yet, a day of Murphy's Law in full effect.

Today would have been 7 years of wedded bliss for my husband & I. Lucky #7. Not so lucky for me.

A damp, drizzly, dreary day here in the 7 (perfect) cities. Matched my mood to a "tee". I was determined to put something out on that piece of ground where his remains lay. I stopped at the store and picked up a bouquet of small, varied colored roses and 2 Mylar balloons. 1 balloon read "Happy Anniversary" and the other had a puppy with a heart in between his paws and it read "Miss You".

I knew that the headstone was not yet in place so I stopped at Wally World and got a cemetery vase with that green, foam stuff in it so that I could place the flowers in it and stick it in the ground.

Off to the cemetery. 8:45am. Drizzling, windy and miserable out. But I don't let something as insignificant as the weather deter me!(eyeroll) I park the car on that muddy, squishy "road" and walk over into the grassy area. Looking around, I realize I can't find his "spot". Back & forth. Back & forth. No luck. I had my i-pod with me and was listening to "I'd Rather Go Blind" by Etta James and the tears start to roll. He's only been gone for 3.5 months and I can't find a trace of his final resting place anywhere! "It's our 7th wedding anniversary" , I cry out to the trees, birds and God! The balloons are blowing in the breeze, my feet and the hems of my pants are getting wetter by the second. I look over at my son's grave and realize that I've gone too far. I backtrack. Looking everywhere for some hint of a "freshly" laid grave. Finally, I find the "hole" that once held some flowers that my mom had put there as a marker for locating that piece of real estate. I place the vase and balloons in the "hole" and shove it down hoping it will stay in place. I say, "I hope this is you John. If not, then someone has gotten some pretty flowers and 2 balloons."

I go back to the car and lose it. I can't even get in the car! It's just not right! It's raining, I'm soaked and it's my 7th wedding anniversary and the love of my life isn't here! He's gone!

I gather myself enough to drive to work (for which I am now late btw). I call the "cemetery lady", as she so fondly refers to herself, and ask her to please do a "drive by" and make sure that I've somehow placed those meager offerings in close proximity to my target. She called and confirmed that despite my feelings of futility when I was clamouring through the endless rows of the dead, I got it right!

I cry again!

I miss him. John, my husband of 7 years.