A 'New' New Year..

It was different this year. There was no phone call at the stroke of midnight.
"Happy New Year Dear! Whatcha doin still up at this time of night? Don't you know it's
past your bed time? The kids in bed yet?"
I didn't spend this new years in a hospital by his bed so that my face was the first he would see in the new year. We didn't do the countdown together to usher in this new year as a couple nor did I get my new years kiss.

For 25 years, my New Years Eve was spent doing those things in some form. Not this year. The kids are no longer kids. There's only 1 and she's 23 now. My husband's not in the hospital nor is he at work this time. No, he's far from that. And I'm alone with my life for this New Year.

Bringing in the new year without the person whose meant the most to me for such a long time is far from the usual. It's odd in every way. I can't really explain it. Everything seemed just the slightest bit off. Out of whack. Off kilter. He was like that last piece of the jigsaw puzzle that made the picture complete. Without him, I'm incomplete. It's a reality that I must come to accept if I plan on moving forward. And I do.

In the meantime, I have to find a way through this maze called grief. It will be a hard fought battle. Progress and set backs. 2 steps forward, 1 step back. It does get better. I know this to be true. I've been down this road a time or 2. I'm no stranger to the throes of grief. So I know all too well that this is but a season.

2010 - I still find it hard to believe that a new year has come. I dreaded it and embraced it at the same time. When I finally do get back to being me or I should say find out who I am without him, that, too will make me sad. I'll then realize that I have moved on and left that part of my life behind. But the memories will linger in my head and in my heart for the rest of my life. No matter how long or short that life will be.

I miss him. John, my happiness in the "Happy New Years" of life.