Dream a Lil Dream..

I had dream #2 about my husband on yesterday morning (Jan. 9, 2009). I hate dreams in the morning hours because they always seem to be a bit on the "weird" side for me. The strangest dreams I've ever had have come in the wee hours of the morning. Usually something that jolts me out of my sleep. This was no different.

The content of the dream really had me upset. I knew instantly that this was not a "visit" from John just because of what happened in the dream. I woke up mad at him. Yes! Mad at him. He's not even here and I was mad at him for something that didn't even take place in that dream. How ridiculous was that? You can say it. I did.

I'll spare you all the boring details and give you the Cliff notes version. He had been working on a car (one that he drove when we first met and starting dating). He went into the house, took a shower, put on some fresh clothes(not his normal attire though)and doused himself in some smelly cologne (also something he didn't do normally). I met him in the hallway of this house as he was following behind a woman with that "look" on his face. I knew the instant that I saw that "look" what was on his mind. I recognized that look as I had seen it literally hundreds of times over the course of our 25 year relationship. He thought he was about to get "lucky". However, he apparently forgot he was married to me and so I gently reminded him of this by pushing him against the wall and with my finger poking him in the chest said, "If you lay a hand on her, I will kick your a%&." He then says, "I don't know why you're saying things like that, I haven't done anything, you know I wouldn't do that kind of thing." I woke up. Madder than a wet hen so to speak. I turned to his side of the bed and thought, "you idiot, he isn't even here anymore. How pitiful are you? Being mad at your dead husband for your dreams about him making a play for someone else." I laughed at myself out loud. But I felt out of sorts the rest of the day. Angry with myself for being angry with him. So I went to the cemetery and told him about the dream. Cried. Laughed. Answered my questions in his voice. Laughed some more. Cried some more and then left. That helped but I still felt like an idiot.

My husband had never given me any reason to believe that he ever "cheated" on me when he was alive. I never entertained that idea for any reason. I had no reason to believe he did that at any time during our relationship. It never even entered my mind. So why in the world did I have a dream like this after he has died? I was just flabbergasted. No answers. No one to confide this in. If he were here, I would have discussed it with him. We would have laughed and we would have moved on. I don't have that anymore. In that dream, for the first time in our 25 year relationship, that look on his face, the one that indicated he was about to get "lucky", wasn't directed at me. That was more than I could take in that moment. But I know that was a moment of weakness exploited by the great pretender to make me question the loyalty of the man that I loved after he was gone. They can't get to John's mind anymore, so they've started working on mine. I know I'm stronger than that. But I am only human. I have weak moments. Like when I'm asleep.

I know that John would never have done those things. I know that he loved me. I know that he loved me enough to not do that to us. I also now know that if I would have ever caught him doing things like this, I would have fought to the end. I always thought that I would have just walked away. But after that dream, I think I would have kicked arse and took names and worried about the rest later. I would have been crushed. And I would have lashed out. Not a good thing and perhaps that's what had me so messed up. Maybe I'm not the woman I thought I was.

Dreams are powerful things. If you're not careful, they can make you do and think things that you wouldn't normally think or do. Prepare yourself. The enemy knows our weaknesses and he has no problem using them to his advantage. And he gets the results that he wants by our reactions to his workings.

Glad that one is over. It was nice to see him tho. Although I threatened to kick his arse, at least I had something to kick it for. Love. I miss him.