Flashbacks...

I have them all of the time. I could be in the middle of work and BAM!, flashback! Quick, lil "clips" of our lives together. Some make me laugh. Some make me feel good inside. Some bring tears to my eyes.

As I sat on our bed tonight and told our daughter of some of the early days of her father & I's courtship, I found myself smiling. Smiling as I remembered, with stark clarity, how easily this relationship took shape. I told her how he asked me out the first time. How we met for breakfast and laughed the morning away together. I told her how I enjoyed almost every moment of our 25 years together.

Then, as I looked at the collage of photos that resides above our bed, the tears welled up. I then told her, "your dad was a good man. He was good to me and he loved you very much. I know in my heart that if your brother hadn't gotten killed, your father would probably still be here today." And with a level of maturity that I didn't realize she possessed, she said, " I know Ma. He loved us very much and losing Derrick was too much for him." My baby isn't a baby anymore.

I told her, "your dad was a special, one-of-a-kind man." She agreed. We both know he's where he should be. Reunited with our baby boy and his mother. She then says to me, " I often wondered what it was gonna be like without both of them here." I said, "it's no fun." She agrees again.

I proceeded to wipe away the tears and she got up to leave the room. We both said, "I miss them."

Flashbacks. A private life movie that belongs to only me. I need flashbacks to survive this journey.

I miss him. John, my flashback star.