The Long Kiss Goodbye

My husband was a great kisser. Just the right amount of passion mixed in with the love. I didn't think a kiss would be what I would miss the most, but it is. Over the past 6 months or so, I kissed my husband alot. Every chance I got, I laid one on him. He responded with his suave kiss most of the time but sometimes I wouldn't get anything. In those times I would make him kiss me again after saying to him, "you call that a kiss?". That would usually get the response I would want.

I did the final act of love for him on Wednesday. Carried out his wishes as best as I could. It was difficult since he never told me exactly what he wanted. He trusted me to do what was tasteful in the end I think. It was a nice service. Simple yet just enough of a personal twist that everyone knew what kind of man he was. It was the end of a long and difficult journey for us. Nothing ever came easy since his illness reared it's ugly head back in 2003. If there was a side effect for anything, John was going to have it. Typical. He always did things the hard way. His fight for independence in the beginning made things even more difficult. He lost that spunk this time around and I knew that time wasn't on his side anymore. He knew it as well.

I found out that he had called around and made amends to some of his past indiscretions. That's good. Perhaps that made him rest easier somehow. It has touched me deep down to know that he became the man he should have been his whole life. My husband realized too late what was important in life but he tried to go back and pick up the pieces of the things he shattered along the way. He found out that in the end, family is what matters most. He made amends with his ex-wife and with some of his children. Other of his children wouldn't talk with him and that took a toll on him. It was important to him that she at least hear his apology. And apparently, she did.

I told his daughter (my step daughter) that I knew I was blessed. I had the better part of John. He was older and more mature when we met. He had done all those things and had made all of his mistakes early in life. Fortunately for me, he learned from most of his mistakes. He took time to help raise our children, his older kids didn't have that luxury. He spent quality time with me and was even able to put off work for small periods of time in order to spend time with me. I know I got the best part of John. I was blessed in that way. He was a good man with a big heart. He made mistakes along the way but was able to pull it out in the end. Set his heart at peace and his mind at ease.

It still doesn't seem right that he's gone. It doesn't seem real to me yet. I miss him with everything in me. I keep hearing that he really loved me alot and that I made a difference in his life beyond what I ever thought. It's nice to hear that I had that affect on someone that I actually thought the world of. He actually changed pieces of me as time went by. He saved me from myself. And I will always be grateful. Our lives were full of laughter, love and joy. We made love, not just had sex. He was good to me in many ways. I thought the sun rose & set on him and come to find out, he felt the same way about me. It's a good feeling that after a 25 year relationship, he still wanted me and only me. It's nice to have been a wanted woman. I miss that and I don't know if I will find that again. I know I'll never meet another man like him. He was one of a kind. My life is a little less bright without him.

I must find a way to move forward. I will get there. It will take lots of time.

I'd trade my life for just one of his kisses and the touch of his hand.

It's over but I have a lifetime of memories to fall back on. But they're not the same as having him here in the flesh. I miss him terribly and my heart aches for his voice and his embrace. I have to settle for DVD's for the voice now. His embrace I will only experience in my dreams. It's going to be a long rest of my life.