Just when

you thought things couldn't get any worse, somehow they always do.

My husband had a doctors appointment today that went, well let's just say, less than stellar. It seems that no matter how much you THINK you're prepared, you never are.

The day started typical. Got up and got ready for work, the aide showed up promptly and started getting him ready for the day. He ate a little bit and they arrived at the appointment about an hour ahead of schedule. The Handi-ride is just awesome! I joined them at about 11am and into the office we went. They actually called us in as soon as I got there(which almost never happens in this particular physician's office).

45 minutes later, the doctor joins us. (That's more like it.) He proceeds to ask about 50 questions ( I exaggerate of course). He then unwraps the foot and pokes and prods within the wound. He then asks me some more questions about my husband's mobility and how long has it been since he's ambulated (walked to those of you without a medical terminology class). I said about a year. He then looks me in the eye and says, "Well, it looks as if.....", "Ummm, I think we're gonna have to....", (clears his throat..apparently he has allergies which is no big surprise for folks in this area), "it appears that we'll have to....". Finally, I said...just say it Doc. He says, "we're going to have to amputate". I BEG YOUR PARDON? Did you just say amputate?

My brain immediately did a tailspin and everything else sounded like this..."waaah waah waaah...waah...waaah...waaaaah (think of the teacher in the Charlie Brown cartoons). "It's in his best interest", he said. "The 'limb' (in this case his foot..funny when you talk about amputating something, it becomes a "limb" not a leg or a foot), is only going to serve to make him sicker at this point", he says. BUT...BUT...WAIT...BUT can't you pull a trick out of a hat or out of your butt or out of my butt or out of John's butt or something? I told him this, "I thought you could be a miracle worker Doc." He chuckled and said, "I left my miracle worker clothes at home today". I, then laughed and said, "darn it then". I made him tell John. Did he understand? I don't know. I think he knows. But he's unable or unwilling to react. I believe John's fight has left him. It occurred in 2005, June 21, 2005 to be exact. That's the day we lost our baby boy. It changed everything on every level. But especially for John. Stuck at home with no place to go except up the wall. He got out t0 go to dialysis and that's it. At every corner, our loss smacked him in the face day after day and he just couldn't get past it very well. He tried but it was a great mountain to climb. The fight has been in my hands since then. I've done everything I know to do. I've got nothing left. The foot is bad. The blood supply is little to none and dwindling. I know, medically, the answer is to amputate. But my heart is broken for him. My John wouldn't want this and would promptly tell me to "let me die". I can't do that. The Bible says, "I set before you, life and death, always choose life" or something close to that. My fight only goes so far for someone else. I feel sad, overwhelmed, and like the ultimate traitor to my husband. I know he wouldn't want this, but he can't make that decision now. So I signed the consent. It will be done 2 days from now. July 22. They will amputate from just above the knee of his left leg. Another day of reckoning. Will he be strong enough mentally or emotionally? I don't know. Will I? I hope so. We have God on our side and I know that whatever happens, God's perfect will shall be done. It's one more step, one more thing that he has to endure.

I will pray. I will love John...but sometimes love doesn't conquer all. Diabetes is relentless. It's destructiveness knows no end nor does it show any mercy. It can out last my reserve. We're losing the battles, but the war is not yet lost. But I know that in the end, the war is not mine to fight or to win or lose. That's between God and John.

Pray for us. I'll update on Wednesday after the surgery.