The Long Journey Home

The past 6 years seemed to have lasted for 10 at times. The never ending list of things to do and places to be. My days were filled from time I woke up until the time I laid back down at night. Especially in the last 9 months.

Now, only 3 days after my husband took his last breath, I sit in our home with his family, friends, and church members and wonder, "what am I supposed to do now?" I haven't had free time like this in over 6 years and I can't figure out what to do with it. I've made most of the arrangements for the funeral services and the cemetery stuff has been finished, so what happens now? How do I pick up and "move forward"?

I spent 25 years with this man. 18 wonderfully happy years prior to his illness and 7 attached to some type of appointment, illness, and hospital visit. The frustration levels were off the charts most of the times. I would long for the previous 18 years, even the bad ones whenever a particularly difficult time would be hounding us.

Our age difference often startled people when they found out. We saw so many of the "deer in the headlight" looks when we told of the 25 year spread between us. But until my husband fell ill, that gap never hindered our relationship. He never missed a step until 2003. 2 months after our marriage, he collapsed at work. Things were never the same after that. There were times of anger, frustration, sadness and poor health. He fought so hard and so long only to be defeated in the end. It wasn't a fair war by any means. Diabetes has so many advantages over us, the mere mortal. It never ceases to ravage, it doesn't need to sleep, doesn't require food and pretty much constantly goes on the attack, leaving a wide path of destruction in it's wake. What human can top that?

The blessing - He's no longer suffering.

The bad part - I miss him and want to hold him one more time.

Spend as much time with your loved ones, tell them how much they mean to you and how deep your love is. I did that constantly over the last 6 months and I don't have to ask myself, "did he know you loved him?" I know he did.