A Year of Firsts...

I can't believe it's been a year already. On this day, 1 year ago, I kissed my husband for the final time and told him that I would be alright without him. Well, that was a complete & utter fabrication, but here I am. Still alive, still breathing, still feeling my way around this new landscape of widow-hood.



I've made it through all of the "firsts". The first Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, his birthday, Valentine's Day, Easter, Mother's Day, Memorial Day, my birthday, Father's Day, 4th of July and now the first anniversary of his death. The year was full of highs and lows, what if's and if only's. The constant, "John would say" or "my husband this or my husband that" echoed in all of my conversations.



I can't tell you how many times I've said "I miss you John" over the last 365 days. I don't know how many tears I've cried or how many memories I've replayed in my head. I don't know how many times I've wished he were here with us. Nor can I explain how a person can be so lonely in a room full of people. But I can tell you that I don't like being a widow.



I know he's no longer trapped, in a less than perfect body, by the illnesses that took him from me. I understand that he's free. But I also live without him every day and that hurts. I long to touch him, to look into his eyes and to hear him say, "honey, everything's gonna be alright." He was right, everything is alright. Everything except me that is. I know I have to let him go but how do you let go of the one thing that you'd struggled to keep for so long?



Now reality settles in. He's really gone. I'm really a widow. I'm really alone. I'm not "his wife" any longer. Til death do us part....How do you just stop it? How do you exist without someone who was instrumental in shaping the person you are today? It's far from easy. The heart has a mind of it's own. It feels what it feels and it pulls me there over & over.



Memories. They play like a movie in my head. I close my eyes & I can see him, hear him, touch him. How I miss those moments. Moments that only he & I shared. Moments that you can't describe to others because you don't have the words or you can't lend it justice with mere words.



It's a rough road. But one well travelled. I know I can make it but I wish I didn't have to. It's inevitable. If not me, then it would've been him and I know that I'm more equipped for the journey than he would've been.



I miss you my dear. My life will never be the same. I'm thankful to God for having been able to spend a portion of my life with someone as wonderful as you. I know you're saving me a place and I'll be there by & by. Until then, I'll continue this journey with you in my heart instead of by my side. I'll see what's at the other end of this long, lonely highway. You'll always be in my heart and I'll hold onto those memories for the rest of my life.

RIP John. You were my joy. Thanks for being who you were.

I love you, I miss you and I wish you were here.

I'll see you when I get there Baby!

Love,

Me