Be Careful What You Ask For...

You just might get it!

I started back to work on this past Monday, May 18th. I thought that this somehow was a milestone. That life as I know it would return to being "normal" (whatever that might be). Boy was I ever wrong!

I stepped back into that daily grind without missing a beat hardly. Folks were glad to see me back. They were thrilled to see me back earlier than anyone had anticipated. I was glad to be back. It seems that I did more work during that week and a half that I stayed home to care for my husband than I have in the past 18 years of employment. I guess it all depends on the "type" of work that you're doing. Somehow, though, I missed being at home. I couldn't believe I felt this way! I have never wanted to be a stay at home person. Getting out and being with other people has always been my saving grace. This time though, things seemed different.

I found myself thinking of my husband and wondering if the aide was doing what was best for him. No one can take care of your loved one like you can (yeah..that's right..lol). I actually told a few of my co-workers that if that agency would pay me what I'm making at this job, I'd stay home and take care of him. I had never felt like that before! NEVER!

Prior to this bout of illness, I clamored to get out of the house at any cost. Didn't matter what the occassion. I didn't want to stay home. Something in the air had changed. Perhaps it was something in my heart. I'm not sure. It's a strange feeling. Maybe I know what's coming and I want to spend every waking moment with him while I can. I feel like he's stuck in between life and death. It's a struggle to watch him fade. It seems a little piece of him disappears each day. Some days are good, some not so good. At least we still have each other. I tell him that I love him everyday. He usually answers that with a grunt. My heart breaks with each moment he seems to miss. He sleeps alot. And when he's awake, he doesn't communicate much. It's amazing that he's this quiet. He's never been this quiet.

I miss him.