THE ILLNESS

Prior to 2003, my husband barely could catch a cold. He'd have the occasional headache and bouts with allergies but outside of that he was generally healthy. He did suffer with high BP and Type 2 Diabetes. He had seen a physician for both of those diseases in 1988 and was given oral medication to allow him to live with them. He, however, didn't choose to take them regularly and continued to eat whatever he liked with little regard for his health.

We all knew something wasn't right with him. Small things had started to change. he wouldn't call home at night while working(something he had done practically every night since I had moved in with him). When I asked about it, he played it off or chalked it up to being busy at work. Finally he admitted that sometimes he couldn't recall the phone number at home. SCARY! He also complained of a sensation of "heaviness" in his right leg and he had fallen several times while working in the yard, unbeknownst to me. He had also having bouts of nausea with vomiting occasionally. We made an appointment with a new doctor. Before that appointment time came, he collapsed at work. Unable to get off of the floor and not really aware of where he was or who some of his co-workers were, they called for ambulance and the Lieutenant in charge that night phoned me at home and told me what happened. I rushed to the base and after a few seconds of talking with John he showed some type of recognition of who I was. He was taken to the local hospital and admitted. The diagnoses: kidney failure, Type 2 Diabetes, Hypertension, Congestive Heart Failure and "mini strokes". The long road to recovery stretched out in front of us as far as the eye could see. Things did not go well. The toxins that are normally filtered out of our bloodstreams by our kidneys were circulating in John's bloodstream and travelling around his body including to his brain. They wreaked havoc. These tiny, garbage filled carriers made a home in the lining of his brain which caused a type of encephalitis. He had high fevers and an altered state of consciousness for about 3-4 days. This collapse and subsequent admission to the hospital took place in January of 2003. He started dialysis the following July. He suffered with these toxins and a great deal of fluid buildup in his body for 7 months before the physicians give the green light for the dialysis. 11 pounds of fluid was filtered from him on that first session. Unbelievable!

From day 1; he hated it. The needles, the time consumption, the sheer intrusiveness of dialysis was more than he ever thought. And added to his misery was the fact that he had lost his mobility. That was due to his own stubbornness and uncooperativeness with the physical therapy department. Although he regained some mobility eventually, he has yet to walk independently again.

His loss of independence made him bitter and depressed. I'm pretty sure if give the chance, he would have checked out for good.

I battled for his soul. Kept pulling him back from the land of darkness and self pity. It was strong and the pull was too much sometimes but I wouldn't let go. At times he'd take 2 steps forward and 3 steps back. The illness was relentless. Pounding him day after day. The dialysis access would clot time after time and he'd have to get a new one placed. His blood sugars were up & down, up & down like a roller coaster. His mental health deteriorated as time wore on and we all suffered. He was in a nursing facility for 11 months in 2003, He came home a changed man. He was demanding and selfish. Scared and angry. He attacked those closest to him on a regular basis. His verbal skills were all that he had left to fight with.

2 years rolled by and we were hit with a devastating blow. Our 15 y/o son was killed by a stray bullet while standing in our front yard in June of 2005. We were all devastated. It was an astronomical set back for John. He couldn't bounce back. It was too big of a blow for him to fend off. His depression grew. The trials went on for a year. Broken beyond repair, my husband stopped trying to walk. The battle became bigger. The war still rages.